you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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