new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
