I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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