There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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