went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
