my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Randomize