I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
