How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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