The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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