My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
