he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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