suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
