Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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