I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
It all started with a game of naked twister.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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