What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
