she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
