Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
