My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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