i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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