drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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