An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Randomize
