i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Please don't give away my fajitas
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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