I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
