I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
