My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize