Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I enjoy the company of your penis
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