I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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