seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
