My sheets look like a crime scene.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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