It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
