Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
It was confusing and full of hummus
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
