i'm signing you up for texting rehab
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
