Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
