3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
