god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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