You just made me feel so damn special
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
