i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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