Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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