I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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