Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
