It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
