Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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