I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
