dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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