I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i already hear my dad disowning me
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
