Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
