Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
