so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
