I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Randomize