Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
