I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
