I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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