Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
