how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
