I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
