if i can run in heels then i can drive
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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