Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
