Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
