dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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