Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You have to summon your inner elephant
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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