Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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